How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly
with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth
shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand
while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side
for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible
from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take
taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with
cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto
neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down
throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink
beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt
away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *%^'s front paws
to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head
vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.
Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop
to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.