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CLICK
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Geri's
Birthday
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Squeeky
Puff
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Geri
and Trixie Joy
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How
To Give Your Cat A Pill...
1.
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and
thumb on either side of cat's mouth, and gently apply
pressure to his cheeks. When cat opens up, pop pill into
mouth. Cat will then close mouth
and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Repeat the process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws
open, and push pill to back of throat with forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of 10, if you are able. Hold
cat's mouth closed as well.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call for assistance.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
immobilizing front and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold
cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into cat's throat. Flick pill down ruler with forefinger,
and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from living-room curtain valance.
8. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth, and
set aside for later gluing. Remove third pill from foil
wrap.
9. Wrap cat in beach towel, and ask assistant to lie prone
on cat with cat's head visible under assistant's armpit.
Put pill in end of paper tube you've made for this purpose.
Then, force cat's mouth open with pencil, and blow.
10. Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans.
Sip water to take taste away. Apply bandage to assistant's
forearm, and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold
water.
11.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's roof. Remove fourth pill
from foil. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on cat's
neck and head outside cupboard. Force mouth open with
dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
12. Fetch screwdriver from garage, and put cupboard door
back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check
records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw bloodied,
ripped T-shirt away, and fetch another from bedroom.
13. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat.
14. Call 911, ask fire department to retrieve cat from
eucalyptus tree.
15. Remove remaining pill from foil wrap.
16. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine,
and securely tie to leg of dining table. Put on heavy-duty
pruning gloves. Force cat's mouth open with tire iron.
Drop pill, previously hidden in one ounce of raw hamburger,
into cat's mouth. Hold head vertically with nose pointed
to ceiling, and pour one-half pint of water down cat's
throat, and two
jiggers of whiskey down your own.
17. Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit
quietly while doctor administers anesthetic, stitches
fingers, forearm, and removes pill remnants from eye.
18. Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal
shelter, and adopt a goldfish.
Author Unknown
